I love airports. That’s because I know that when I get through check in and security, I’m about to board the ‘freedom bird’ to somewhere that’s new and is about to stimulate my senses. Anything to take me away from the fluorescent prison called the office!
But when I’m at the airport, I can’t help myself but look at the Flight Status Updates that continually flick over – seeing if my flight is on time, and how many others are in the air and their scheduled landing or departures.
Unfortunately, most airports have some pretty dry flight status updates that flicker over throughout the day. So that’s why I’ve thought of some of my own (all 20 of them!) so you can waste a bit more time piss farting around at work!
Anyway, here they are!
Some Flight Status Updates We’d Love To See!
- All flights to Egypt are being turned back because there seems to not enough riots happening there for our liking
- You’ll have to read a tonne of travel books before your delayed flight eventually takes off
- Your flight has been delayed so that we have enough time to fix your plane so that it won’t appear on Air Crash Investigations
- You’ll be lucky to hear any flight attendant announcements today
- On today’s flight, you will earn at least 1000 frequent flyer points – if you get on board
- We apologise that your flight has been delayed so that you’ll have to put up with some airport weirdos for a few more minutes
- There’s no chance in the world that you’ll be reading an airline safety card today
- “Cancelled” is now the new “on time”
- “Boarding” is now the new “Go To Gate”
- “Go To Gate” is now the new “I’ll just piss fart around that little bit more in duty free”
- The only Check-in you’ll be doing today is back into your old hotel
- Your flight has been delayed because the airline forgot to pay the fuel bill
- All flights to the United States will end up in a massive queue at immigration because of the insane TSA regulations
- If you’re coming back from South America, you’ll probably end up having a cavity search because anyone travelling from there surely must be a drug dealer
- If you’re going to New Zealand, mik sur yu inderstund thus
- Canadian travellers are advised that large amounts of maple syrup are not allowed to be brought into plane
- If you’re going to take your girlfriend to Brazil, that’s like taking a sandwich to an all you can eat buffet
- Beer will make your flight waiting time seem so much faster
- If you lose your passport on the floor, you’ll probably end up like the Tom Hanks Character in The Terminal
- Your flight is now ready for boarding.. NAH, JUST JOKING! You’ll have to wait a few more hours suckers!
There you go. If you’ve been bored witless at the airport and you’ve found yourself checking all of the flight status updates whilst waiting for your flight, what silly phrases have you thought of to make these boards more interesting?
Share your silly flight status updates with the world here and share the love!